i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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