I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
