I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
