twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
