just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
