Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
