When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
