When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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