I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
