I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
