I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It's shark week go big or go home
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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