Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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