Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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