I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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