Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
