i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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