The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
