My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
