is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
