I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
