Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
