so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
