Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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