last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
