It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
