Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
