my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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