May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
