I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
