Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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