How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
