if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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