Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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