How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Your dad touched me again.
he thought i was a dude.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
