I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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