The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
