so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
