I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
