Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
