So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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