I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
