No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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