hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
