I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
