Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I need to stop coming to work sober
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
