he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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