Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
