i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
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