Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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