I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
