So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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