did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
