Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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