More tranny stories later!
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
