I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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