I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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