Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
